Is It My Fault?
by Officially-Malec-Trash
Summary: I couldn't decide on the amount of angst that I wanted to include in this story so I wrote 3 different endings. Chapter 4 has a little angst, Chapter 5 has some angst, and Chapter 6 has a ton of angst. Fun fact, I had to stop writing Chapter 6 multiple times because I cried so much. So have fun with that.
1. Part 1: Sniper

Drew didn't like the fact that Rick was out there, every day, risking his life. He knew it was Rick's job, but he was scared that one day, Rick wouldn't come back to him. He was hoping that day wouldn't come so soon, though.

Rick had just started his shift when Drew heard the news.

A sniper had shot 2 cops while they were investigating a noise complaint. One cop was DOA, the other had extensive injuries to his neck and chest. He was being rushed into surgery when Drew walked out onto the floor, stopping at the nurse's station to look up at the TV screen.

"This just in, another officer has been shot by the sniper. It is being reported that Officer Gonzalez has been shot, and is currently en route to San Antonio Memorial."

"The sniper seems to be going after law enforcement officers."

"If you have any information, please contact the police."

Drew sighs, flinching a little as someone's hand falls onto his shoulder.

"Are you ok?" Kenny's voice rings out in the somber emergency room, as they wait to intercept Officer Gonzalez, pull her into their care.

"Yeah, Rick can handle himself. He'll be fine."

"I don't doubt you, man. Just, try to stay preoccupied, ok? I'm here if you need me." Kenny claps him on the back, then leaves to set up more trauma rooms.

Soon, Officer Gonzalez is pulled into the emergency room, and Rick steps in to help.

"36 female with gsw to the right leg and torso."

As Drew begins to work over the fallen officer, all he can think about is Rick. He knew that what he told Kenny was true, at least partially. Rick could handle himself. He had more combat experience than most guys out there. But that doesn't mean he'd be fine. They argued about it sometimes, that's how afraid Drew was.


	2. Part 2: Flashback

\--

"Drew, you know I have to go out. You can't keep me here forever."

Drew plants another kiss on Rick, who allows it for a few seconds before pulling away. He crawls out of Drew's arms, out of bed, and into his uniform. He looked good in his uniform.

"I know, I know. I just...don't want you to go out there."

"You never want me to go out there." Rick kisses Drew's forehead, hearing his husband's footsteps following him down the hall of their newly purchased home. Rick sits down to lace up his combat boots, while Drew leans against the island in the kitchen, crossing his arms.

"Because it's dangerous Rick!" Drew can't stop the edge from making its way into his statement, watching anxiously as Rick glances up at him.

"And we're back on this. You know I can handle myself, Drew! I don't understand why this is so hard for you."

"You already lost a leg, I don't want to lose the rest of you!"

Drew regretted the words as soon as they came out of his mouth. He wanted to erase the scent of them in the air, erase the pain and betrayal on Rick's face, emotions giving way to anger and frustration.

"It always comes back to the leg, doesn't it? I can't even go to do my job without it affecting us somehow, right?"

"Rick-"

"I'll see you later." Letting the door slam behind him, Rick doesn't even bother to kiss Drew goodbye. Doesn't bother to say 'I love you'. He hadn't ever done that before.

Drew sat on the floor, pinching the bridge of his nose. He knew that talking about Rick's amputation made him upset, but he couldn't help it. Rick had managed to lose his leg riding a bus, for god's sake, and now he wanted to put himself in harm's way on purpose? It terrified Drew every day that he went out there.

But it gave Rick purpose again. He finally felt like he was something. That he wasn't just the gay soldier with one leg. Drew could see that it made him fuller, stronger, more able to face the demons inside himself. But he couldn't help but worry, think that something bad was going to happen.

He just wished he had gotten the chance to tell Rick how much he loved him before he left.


	3. Part 3: Blown

Part 3: Blown

"Drew." Topher calls him over as he sends Officer Gonzalez up to surgery. She was going to be fine, both bullets went in and out.

"Yeah, what's up?"

"There was an explosion, most likely set off by the sniper. They're sending the victims here."

"Ok, and?"

The look that Topher gives him explains why he took the time to tell Drew personally.

"The SWAT team had gotten a tip, and had gone to check it out. But it was a trap."

"Do-" Drew's voice cracks, and try as he might, he can't control the shaking.

"Do you have any information about him?"

Topher shakes his head, placing his hand on Drew's shoulder.

"He may be fine. But, I'm taking you off duty for the night. You can wait here until he comes in, either way. And Drew?"

Drew had laced his fingers together, cupping the back of his neck. He knew that he shouldn't had let Rick out, shouldn't have let him get away. He was too angry tonight, too irrational to pay attention properly.

"Drew." Topher's voice cut through his worries, if only for a moment. But it only took that moment.

"We are here for you. We will be here for him, if that's what he needs."

Topher has to practically carry him to the lounge, laying him on the couch before going back out to debrief his doctors and nurses on the situation. Drew could barely hear Topher commanding silence, describing what had happened, telling everyone to be on the lookout for Rick.

His husband's name was the final straw. Drew was trying to hold it in so badly, but he couldn't. They had just gotten married, they were planning on starting a family. And now he didn't even know if his husband was alive. Drew held a pillow over his face to mask his sobs, waiting for the news that would make or break him.


	4. Part 4: Lost (limited angst)

Drew had laid there for what felt like lifetimes before the door creaked open, the sound of footsteps filling the silence that had encroached after he had finally managed to stop crying. He had just hugged the pillow to his chest, and tried to control his breathing.

"Drew."

Drew choked. He couldn't stop himself from jumping on his husband, wrapping his arms around the man, sobbing as he held Rick in his embrace. He smelled like soot, but Drew didn't care. He was alive. That's all that mattered.

"I thought you died." Drew hiccuped as Rick cradled the back of his head.

"Shhh. I'm ok, I'm ok." They stand there for a while, just breathing each other in, before taking a seat on the couch where Drew had just been incapacitated. Rick took his lover's hands in his own, interlocking their fingers, in an attempt to get the man to stop shivering.

"I'm sorry. About what I said this morning. It wasn't fair to you." Drew can't get his voice to rise above a whisper. Rick had almost died, and the last time they talked, it was an argument.

"I know. And I'm sorry for not taking your concerns seriously. You have a right to be worried, even more so after tonight."

Rick squeezes Drew's hands gently, smiling as Drew leans closer to him, Rick leans back, wrapping Drew in his arms.

"I don't want you to quit your job. I know that you love it. But I'm scared Rick."

"I'm scared too. I don't want you to have to live without me. But this is something we've had to live with since we first got together. We just have to make the most of the time we have together, instead of arguing."

Rick presses his lips onto Drew's cheek, feeling him shake with pent up emotion.

"Talk to me, Drew. Don't keep your feelings bottled up. We can't afford that."

Drew pushes closer to Rick's chest, tears spilling from his eyes as he shuts them tightly.

"I'm- so fucking in love with you. I am so blessed to be able to be married to you, to wake up next to you every morning, to kiss you, to feel your touch. God dammit Rick, I have never loved anyone or anything this much in my entire life, and I never will. No one will ever make me feel the way you do."

Rick bites his lip, pressing his face into Drew's back. Him and Drew were never really big on romantic confessionals. They loved each other, and that was enough.

Hearing Drew speak those words had unlocked the part of Rick that had been trying not to cry since the explosion. All he had been thinking about was Drew, and how angry he was. He was scared? Rick was petrified every time he had to walk out of those doors, leave his perfect husband, and go save lives. But he didn't want to admit it. So he lashed out at Drew every time he brought it up.

Drew could feel the moisture from Rick's tears wetting his shirt, and interlocks their fingers once more.

"It's ok, take your time. I'm here for you Rick. I'll always be here."


	5. Part 4: Lost (moderate angst)

Drew had laid there for what felt like lifetimes before the door creaked open, the sound of footsteps filling the silence that had encroached after he had finally managed to stop crying. He had just hugged the pillow to his chest, and tried to control his breathing.

"Drew. He's here."

Drew had no clue where he managed to find the energy to get up. Kenny had to hold him up as they walked towards the trauma room where Rick was. They could hear the yells the second they stepped out of the lounge.

"Don't touch me!"

"Rick, you have to let us treat you."

"I want Drew!"

Drew sighs, letting Kenny walk him into the trauma room.

"Please, Rick, let them-" Drew couldn't even finish his sentence.

His leg was twisted at an unnatural angle.

And it wasn't the prosthetic.

"Drew. Drew. What's wrong? What is it?"

Drew can't bear to lock eyes with his husband as he questions him. He knew his face would give it away.

"Just let the doctors work on you, please." He walks over to Rick, grabs his hands, interlocks their fingers.

"I can't lose you. Please-" Drew's voice cracks as the tears he had held in spilled out of his eyes.

"Ok. I just wanted you here. Don't cry. I'm not going anywhere." Rick smiles, brushing the tears from Drew's cheeks.

"We need to talk." Topher's hand finds its place on Drew's shoulder once more, and Drew follows him outside.

"I know it looks bad, but it isn't. We probably won't have to amputate." Drew's heart soars at the news. Having both of his legs amputated would crush Rick. He wouldn't be able to live with himself.

"I'm not making you any promises, Drew. I just wanted you to know before we took him to surgery."

Drew throws his arms around Topher.

"Thank you. Whatever happens, thank you."

Drew sat in the hallway outside of the operating room for hours. Kenny sat with him the entire time. He let Drew rant, held him when he cried, hypothesized about what was happening inside, forced him to eat. Drew never knew what he had done to get such good people in his life.

The door hinges squeaked, and they both stood, watching as they wheeled Rick past. Topher stopped, shaking his head before allowing a grin to appear on his face.

"We saved his leg. It's a bad break, and he's going to have to stay off of it for a while so it can heal. But he's going to keep it."

Drew's shout echoed through the entire hospital. His enthusiasm transferred into the hug he gave Kenny, almost knocking the man over as they laughed.

"Let's go sit with him, huh?"

Rick didn't wake up for an entire day. Drew never left his side, not to shower, not to eat. He used the bathroom twice. That was as far as he was willing to go. He had been in the hospital for a day and a half, crying and stressing about his husband. He was going to be there when he woke up.

Rick could hear Drew's voice, but he couldn't see him. Everything was so dark, and cold. He wanted to get back to Drew. He tried to follow the sound of his voice, but it seemed to vibrate against every surface, throwing Rick into confusion.

"Come back to me, Rick."

"Back to me."

"Back to me."

"I love you."

Those 3 words were enough to put Rick on the right track, It's as if, by saying them, Drew had just linked their souls together. He was reeling Rick in, one word at a time.

When Rick opened his eyes, he didn't see Drew.

But he heard the toilet flush, heard water running.

Heard the bathroom door shut.

Heard Drew lose his breath.

Heard him trip over himself trying to get to Rick.

Felt their skin touch.

"Rick. You're awake."

Rick tries to talk, but coughs instead. Drew, ever the caring husband, holds a straw up to his mouth, helping him drink.

"Thank you."

"I was so worried, Rick."

"Get up here." Rick moves over enough for Drew to lay next to him. He feels Drew stick his head next to his, kissing him softly.

"I just get done with major surgery, and you can only kiss me on the cheek? What's a guy gotta do to get some lip service around here?"Rick turns to look at his, presses his lips into Drew's, smiling as his husband's giggles vibrate against his lips.

"I love you so much, Rick. I can't stand to think about what could've happened to you."

"I'm fine. Right?" Rick looks down at the blanket. He knew Topher said he would try to save his leg, but he doesn't know if it actually happened. He was still numb and tingly from the drugs.

"Yes, you are. Topher said you have a pretty bad break, but if we take care of it properly, then it'll heal."

"Oh we, huh?" Rick kisses Drew again, longer and with more intent behind it. Rick wasn't very good with words. He still needed to show Drew that he loved him. He couldn't put together such an elegant mastery of the English language that Drew deserved, but he sure as hell could put all his feeling into his kiss.

"Yes we. I'm not leaving you, dummy."

"I wouldn't have it any other way."


	6. Part 4: Lost (all angst)

Drew had laid there for what felt like lifetimes before the door creaked open, the sound of footsteps filling the silence that had encroached after he had finally managed to stop crying. He had just hugged the pillow to his chest, and tried to control his breathing.

"Drew. He's here."

Drew stands, his legs swaying as they support him. He felt dizzy, lost in the pain of not knowing. He follows slowly, as if lost in a fog. He already knew what was coming, by the way everyone silently watched him.

But he still wasn't prepared for what he saw.

His husband, lying on a hospital bed.

His skin, red and burnt, his hair all but gone.

Drew choked, only stopped from collapsing by Kenny's arms holding him up. He walks the broken man to the bed, pulling a chair up for him to seat himself in.

"Drew?" Rick could barely croak out the words. His throat hurt a lot, but not more than seeing his husband's heart shatter.

"I love you so much." Drew interlocked their fingers, sobbing at the look of pain on Rick's face as he did it.

"Love you too."

The only sound in the room was the beeping of the monitor and the cries that raked Drew's body.

"Please don't leave me, Drew."

"I'm not going to leave you Rick. I'm going to be here for you. I'll always be here."

Drew sat there for hours, until the beeping stopped. His cries never did.


End file.
